Homesick For A Place I Shouldn't Know Yet

Buy a journal. Buy a sketchbook, a notebook, or hell, even make a journal. Grab some extra copy paper, wood glue, and the bark of the dead tree outside and DIY yourself a journal because let me tell you, after today, I will always try to write down my ideas in one. Or use a phone with a notes app as I'm doing as I write this post. If you're ever in a situation where you can use your phone or have a small piece of paper available keep them on you at all times. Why? Because you never know when the perfect doughnut or idea is going to pop into your head for a limited time. If you don't capture it on paper when it's gracing you with it's presence, you'll miss it and maybe for good.

I say this only because today I was writing down a blog post about how I felt on this particular morning. I had one of those feelings where it was kind of like an out of body experience. About 10-20% of one at least. I say that because it gave me this feeling as if I was experiencing something blissful, which, was nothing like where I was. I could smell the coffee from the Starbucks near me and feel the ambiance of it at 9:30 AM. This coupled with feeling trapped and not getting enough sleep at night transported me to a situation, an experience that I haven't lived yet but want to live. It felt right. Almost like I was experiencing what me of an alternate universe was experiencing and it was so chill and refreshing. If that was the case then I'm sorry for the few agonizing minutes I gave the other universe me of feeling sad, worried, and like I'm wasting my life away somewhere that I can't escape. Maybe a little dramatic, but it's how I felt. The harder I tried to feel more of this feeling, the less of it I got and the more aware I became that I wasn't living it.

I don't know if any of you have ever experienced something like this before, when you feel like you are trying to be transported somewhere, or maybe that place is calling to you instead, but I felt like I was in a coffee shop in New York. It was a comfortable morning in New York, if you had a jacket on, and the sun was pouring in through the window's blinds. I was comfortable, relaxed, and working on writing, editing, or drawing. I wasn't rushed but creating something for myself and something I was going to reap the rewards of. I wasn't worried because I had nothing to worry about. I had some delicious coffee drink giving me life, and maybe a pastry on the side, and I was going to be there for awhile in my new dwelling. I felt all of that.  

The purpose of it all. Like that was my purpose. Being there and being who I had become. When I say I felt it, I mean I literally felt it all as if I had been there before. Maybe nostalgia is a better way of describing it? Nostalgic for something that I crave. Nostalgic for something that hasn't even happened yet. I don't even want to live in New York really. I do love the snow and being surrounded by it makes me extremely happy and gives me the feeling of being grounded. Maybe I could live in NY for a year or two but that's with exceptions and I need to move to Canada, Cali, or (insert name of cool country where my camp friends live here) after.

But anyway, I felt the place around me as if it was something I had just come to know. I felt the conversation, the ambiance, and the clarity of the me in that place, at that time. It made me homesick for something I shouldn't be able to describe yet. 

I want that life so badly. It made my mood better, but also stagnant after because I knew the reality of where I was physically. 

How does this correlate to me saying you need to keep a journal? Easy. I wrote this whole experience down and what it was inspiring me to want to do in that moment. I wrote it on a small scratch piece of paper. I've written plenty of things on scrap paper at my job before it and kept up with it before but in the span of 10 minutes, it disappeared. I thought I put it in one of my pockets but it wasn't there nor was it anywhere that I had been. I didn't travel far. I went next door to get coffee and a pastry and came back. No one had seen it nor was it in the trash cans at my job and yea, I looked. If you've ever lost something that felt like a small piece of you then you understand why I searched the trash cans and was upset for the next few hours upon not finding it. I wish I had secured the paper better, but I also wish that I had been using one of the many journals I have in my bedroom instead, since I can't use my phone while at work. I went to the bathroom and recorded what I remembered about the post on a voice memo in my phone in hopes that I could recreate it later. 

I wouldn't have had to do that if I had just written it down on something solid and secure earlier. Trolls could've taken it (side note: I may actually low-key believe something steals from us throughout our lifetime. Bare with me for a later post) or maybe it was picked up by someone who liked it and decided to keep it. That would make me feel better, but if not, I won't let it happen again. Now, I'll exclusively write things down in my phone or in a journal because what we feel written down, is an extension of us. 

Not as intense as a horocrux, but it definitely should be kept safe at all times and there should be multiple like horocruxes. 

(Side note: Read/watch Harry Potter if you don't know what those are please, cause you're missing out)