I Never "Grew Out Of It"

Anyone that was ever a chubby kid who never really "grew out of it" once they got older remembers all the moments and people that helped them attain this not so flattering perspective of their body. Not to mention that low self-esteem cause you grew up an introvert doesn't help either. I didn't realize until a few years ago, when I stopped hearing from anyone about how I should be working out to lose my chub, that I subconsciously cared a lot more than I thought about my weight. I remember a doctor I had for a few months in high school actually decided to show me a graph with a steadily climbing line on it to help educate me on what a "normal" body is supposed to be like. There was a dot barely above said line and she told me that I was that dot. I wasn't on course with the "correct" weight for someone at my height and age at the time and I couldn't help but look at her own rolls, that were much bigger and substantiated with her older age, and tell that she was a hypocrite. Don't tell me to do something if you aren't doing it either. (I should listen to my own advice though. Isn't that how it works or how our parents teach us. "Do as I say and not as I do.") She didn't like when I shrugged and told her I didn't care. Yet, when others stopped telling me that I needed to lose weight, I started to tell myself that I needed to. Guess I decided that I needed more things to worry about. Thus, I began to really look at myself in their light still and transform their outer monologue into my own inner monologue and donuts. Yes donuts. I'm obsessed. (More on that later.)

Now, I understand that if you see pictures of me, that I may not appear to be too overweight or unhappy about my body but internally, I am. I have pudge like most people in the world and stretch marks as I sit currently at about 175-180 at a height of 5' 5"? (I never remember my height or the last day of my period because I don't care enough to, despite being asked about both every time I go to the doctor's office. I usually guesstimate.) I might've been able to be more okay with that pudge at 25 and not feel so pressured to get into shape now or never if I didn't care so much about what others use to tell me growing up still. I know I should let it go. Writing about it and telling myself to workout now because it will actually make me healthier and avoid family health issues I feel looming ahead of me. But just bare with me.

I specifically remember after my mom and I moved to Michigan in the summer of 99' or 00' that, 6-7 year old Crystal was chubby because that's what kids look like half the time. I was wearing a white frilly dress for one of my first church services with my aunts family and my uncle said I looked like a "small pregnant child". Now, I remember being a little upset by this comment because I could tell there was something not good behind it but I was shy back then and not one to get anyone upset with me over something I didn't understand. So I said nothing. I didn't know what to say anyway. 

Another moment was when I was in third or fourth grade and I was really sick so I missed a lot of school. I don't remember going to school much then or what I was even sick with. I just know I couldn't keep anything down and I was miserable. The same aunt and uncle came over to visit me and they brought KFC. Once they saw me, they commented on how good I looked. How skinny I was now. The sad part is that I was proud of it. It's so messed up when I think back to it because I had been and still was unhealthily sick despite my good days, so that comment meant that maybe my sickness would do me well. Shock my body into being skinny for good maybe? IDK my BFF Jill (old phone commercial from the 2000's that's stuck with me. I don't know why.)  At that time I cared about what others thought, much like I do now, but it doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't have had to worry about my weight at such an early age. 25 year old Crystal would've made one of my many faces that showed you exactly how dumb I thought the whole conversation was but acted like it wasn't a big deal because I still have confrontation issues depending on how well I think I can handle the situation if it gets heated. I usually opt out. 

Fast forward to about seventh grade, back in good ole Alabama, when I took karate lessons that my dad paid for. My sisters played basketball and were fit because of it so maybe Crystal can shake the rest of that baby fat off this way? Yea, nah bruh. Not when my Middle school gave you Krispy Kreme doughnuts every 6 weeks if you got all A's or A's and B's.

I was there. Every six weeks.

Never missed a doughnut morning my whole middle school career. To say that doughnuts didn't help me stay an A student in middle school would be a lie and probably where my addiction became more deeply rooted, unbeknownst to myself at the time. 

Anyway...my dad came over because I needed to ask him for money to buy a new karate outfit. The pants were too short for me, which indicates growing taller because your pants legs are flooding, but he asked if I needed them "because I was getting taller or wider?" I took full offense. Looking back on it, I don't think he meant it to be something that should've make me feel bad of course but naive Crystal smiled because what else was I supposed to do? Still shy. Still didn't want to upset anyone. Still not sure if if this weight thing was that serious. More serious than beating the newest GTA or could I hold off a bit longer?

(Side note:  It's interesting what people do when you don't give them the reaction they wanted.)

Clearly, if my weight being an issue stuck with me, it's because I believed that I was too chubby and that everyone had always been right for the most part. I quit karate because I got bored of it, not because it was physical activity. I don't mind a fun physical activity but certain stuff just bores me to death, which, is one reason why it's so hard for me to get a workout routine and stick to it. I need variety or something intense to keep me interested. Sports do nothing for me. I don't watch them and I don't play them. 

Who cares if I wanted to spend my time reading, playing video games, and discovering the internet? Who cares if I got actual awards and recognition for the art I produced in high school. I was still chubby. Still had work to do. This was the time in my life where my health was doing pretty great so I was fine honestly but my mom also tried to push me to workout more. Was she working out consistently? No, we were in the same boat when it came to working out and eating healthy one day, then slack the next 6 months away. However, one difference was that she was skinny. Always has been. I didn't receive those genes just like I never received my Hogwarts letter. think of the life I could've had if I got both of those when I was younger. 

Let's not also forget that I was never comfortable, still aren't comfortable, with changing in front of others because my initial shyness to changing around friends as a kid turned into worry about my stomach showing too much. The media and TV didn't help either. Characters on TV/film were, and still are for the most part, on the extremes of the skinny/fat spectrum. There is no such thing as the middle. You're either too skinny or too fat. Pick one. Why? Cause society said so. How else do you describe yourself on Tinder? (insert annoying voice here)

All of this coupled with the fact that I'm terrified of reaching 200 pounds and getting to a weight that puts me even further away from a "healthy body" makes me want to workout consistently so future me isn't mad at current me. I want a body that I deem healthy. I'm not saying I need abs cause interesting enough, I don't always find them attractive on others. I just want a flatter stomach that looks toned for the most part. Gabriel's abs from Xena were goals though. Having a "revenge body" sounds so cliche' and it's not my end goal to look like Demi Lovato did in 'Cool for the Summer'. Why? Because when you're insecure about your body for so long, having the one you want isn't always going to make you jump on the shirtless bandwagon. Demi did look amazing though. No lie.

Honestly, I think I would wear more of what I want if I lost a few pounds. I think I would still find it weird to post anything showing "too much skin", and just find myself less gross if I had the body I think I want. We'll see though because my relationship with exercising so far is not good. Again, I get bored easy and not motivated so I will have to try out my theory on the fact that either running, biking, or swimming (which I can't do) is the key to me enjoying exercise. 

We shall see though. Maybe something else will grow on me like yoga or something random. Either way, I do want to be healthier and consistent exercise wise. It'll help my body image of myself, my acne, my ego, and future Crystal should not have to worry about that potential metabolism crash that could mess her all the way up in the future. Plus, regular exercise makes you happier and sleep better and God knows I need heavy doses of both of those, so bring it on.

Bring It On was a great movie by the way. Classic. Eliza Dusku was awesome.