Why I Need To Let Go Of The Current Me

The following was taken off my phone and created originally on March 3, 2018 after a stressful day of not knowing what I was doing exactly, but realizing that something had to change sometime:

I'm starting this blog, one that has no official name yet as I pluck away at a broken screen, because I need a place, a medium, to hold myself accountable. Accountability for what you might ask? For my life.

For my decisions to not make actual decisions. For my inability to do the things that I know will get me to where I want to be in life.

I wasn't sure if I was just lazy and have been since college or if I have adult ADHD. It might sound crazy but it ain't no lie (had a Backstreet Boys moment in that phrase -bye bye bye) I have so many good ideas. Great even. Ideas that I know will change my life for the better and help me hone my craft as a writer/filmmaker/storyteller and possibly some small part of the world if I do this right. And I know, everyone has ideas, so what. What's the problem? Why are yours so special? Well, the thought of those ideas coming into fruition and even the thought of the act of doing them, leads me to not do them.

I have become that person that claims and has been claiming since college that I was going to start a YouTube channel. I was going to make a blog (finally doing that one soon I hope!). I was going to write short stories. Become a better video editor and photographer every week by trying something new. I'd be able to freelance and not worry about working jobs I don't like or work for some film/TV/publishing company and grow while doing stuff I enjoy. Yet, here I am. Working my fourth job since graduating almost two years ago and shocker, I'm not happy doing it. Why? Because it's not what I went to college for. I have two degrees. One in Media Studies (Film) and another in English-Creative Writing. Yet, I work in a chain bookstore not getting paid what anyone should and feeling miserable.

I feel like a failure and it hurts. The crazy part about it is, I've always had these ideas. I think they're great, as anyone does with their own ideas, but maybe most people won't care for them or maybe some will love them dearly. The main point of concern is that I haven't acted on them yet. I mean to say, I've acted on them but never followed through. I've taken "fake it until you make it" to a level I don't think it should ever be at. This seems to be a constant issue of mine since college. Not finishing.

I finished college though, thank God, but I don't really finish stories I write. Not even full video concepts. I don't finish working on YouTube videos (cough cough 30 or so are on my hard drive and ready for voice overs but I have yet to do those of course cough cough). I get part way or half way and let myself get distracted. This is where I start to wonder if I was just lazy or something was actually wrong mentally in the chemical make up of my brain. One would mean that I was choosing not to finish anything and make my life better and more meaningful and the other meant that something else inside of me was keeping me from doing the things I know I SHOULD be doing. 

However, I came to the conclusion that I think it's the former, not the latter, because I am no doctor. I choose to say that I'm tired when I come home from a job that makes me feel like I'm going nowhere. I choose to not work on anything or finish anything as I sit on my bed and watch Netflix for the next 6 hours. I choose to stay scared and complacent when I think about where I want to be in life because to get what I want in life, to be truly happy and free, I have to work hard as hell. I know this. I've always known this but I let that stop me because, could I really do it? What about what others think? I'm so sensitive it's annoying.

I know I can, if I try, but I won't even let myself try because that part of me that is afraid of failure and criticism is deeply rooted into my being. Like wild weeds at the roots of great oak trees and I need to uproot them. Dig them out and let them die without me cause if not, I'll be that person who's just going through the motions of life. Not living. Letting life do what it wants with me as I stay complacent and believe that this is for the best.

This life is safe right? No one to question your creative choices or not hire you because your skills aren't up to par. Just work a job that requires you to be the normal person you aren't. It'll be great. A safe partner will come along too. You'll be great with them. Live a low risk life that's someone else's dream, not yours. Yours is too...needy. Too, creative. 

But I can't do that anymore. I can't allow myself to for much longer. I'm tired of worrying about money. I don't need to be rich, I would love and hope that happens one day but I just want to not have to worry about it. I want to stop saying I'm going to finally lose the weight that I've been wanting to lose most of my life and go to the gym more than one consecutive week every 4 to 6 months. I want to stop writing down ideas that I know are good and that someone else in the world will love and relate to and start making them. I want to stop worrying if only a few people will like it and others hate it. Again with the whole carrying about what others think. I don't on certain things but care the most on mostly everything else.

I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and think I'm beautiful or attractive enough to really keep/attract anyone. (More on that later as well. I actually spent a year or more of my college life not looking at myself in the mirror cause of bad acne and scaring. So fun. Great times.)

So this is my chance. The idea of becoming that person that let their life pass them by when they had the means to do everything they could, within reason, to better themselves and reach their goals. I want to be the person who always at least tried. Even if certain things I thought I wanted to do aren't actually things I enjoy doing, I want to at least try and figure it out so then I can know that it's not for me. 

Here's a list of everything I want to do:

• Start a podcast for the show Wynonna Earp so I can fan girl over it
• Upload house building videos of the Sims 4 on YouTube (the 30 videos I mentioned before and hit a scardy-cat snag on)
• Start a blog (the one you're reading!)
• Create short videos and music videos for YouTube and Vimeo
• Work on my photography and film techniques every week
• Eat healthy and workout so I can top ignoring my medical problems
• Find ways to support myself doing what makes me happy so I'm not wasting away any longer at my current job that doesn't support me physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally.
• Have better and more meaningful relationships with people
• Finish things

If I put it out into the world then I have to do it right? I have to make it come true if I want it enough. This time it will be different. I need it to be or else, I'm afraid I'll stay in denial that something will just be handed to me like those I watched with money and parents with connections to give them what they need to succeed. My family doesn't have money to buy me into anything, nor do my parents have connections. I don't have the skin color or gender that's supposed to give me a leg up either, but none of those have ever been things I wanted. I plan to get myself there through hard work. Finally. Consistent hard work at that. Actually, let's name it consistent trying instead. I can do the work, it's time to actually execute and finish it. I will try to do better despite the "relapses" back into old habits that I know will happen. I just have to get back on track after.

I'll need those around me to help feed my ego if something turns out to be good because to be honest, friends and family believing in me has helped me not give up completely but it's always been up to me to prove them right and not hold my hand through denial. 

Maybe if people read this blog and they are trying to become a better person who stops letting fear, laziness, doubt, and uncertainty control them, then they'll watch my progress and it could inspire them to do the same.

This living in my head and dreaming without action isn't getting it anymore. It's time to live and have fun failing because I learned so much and grew because of it. Plus, if I plan to have kids later in life, they need to see and understand how I became who I will be when I have them. I have to let this current version of me go.