I've had mild to severe acne since I started college. It's no coincidence that during the most stressful time of my life, my body went through stressful changes, not in the act of "Freshman 15" or anything else I could lie to myself about, but in the form of hormonal acne and basically a second puberty that no one asked for. On top of that, I have cystic acne as well as certain health issues that make my acne so loyal to me, myself, and I. It's also a hereditary thing too so that's also fun...
However, I do try to change my diet to help from time to time and once I can afford to have a consistent dermatologist again, I can take medication to greatly help keep it away for the most part. I hope.
Sometimes I go out without make up and don't care too much and other times I feel like I look horrible, thus my mood is horrible. I've shied away, actually runaway, from pictures and videos because I'm insecure about how my face looks. It keeps me looking young though because who expects an adult to have acne. It's not that rare but we can pretend it is since the media is watching.
In college I just kind of told myself that I should worry more about finishing college than putting make up on for work and now that I'm done with college, I'm trying to find more reasons to stop using make up to cover it up. I do think that if I didn't wear it, I would be treated differently and that's honestly dumb for me thinking it and dumb for it being partially true.
Even with make up to at least cover the scars, I still feel insecure because I know it's there. I may look fine to anyone else but I know what I look like without make up on and I don't have many days where I'm honestly okay with that. This is the main issue.
I can, like I did in college and camp, ignore that it's a thing by just not looking in a mirror, thus, if I can't see it, then it doesn't exist mentally.
But there's no more ways to distract myself and I want to nip this in the bud hardcore because meds and at home remedies only worked so much before. I need to do a complete, basic food change, weekly exercise, and stronger medication phase to boot camp myself into a better internal battle that I can finally win.
Medicine can be so expense sometimes and even certain procedures costs hundreds just to start. This is with insurance so I know that I have a ways to go if I want to do this as a mostly medical success.
I'm just tired of being annoyed by it and not thinking I look like myself with it. I have one friend who's had severe acne too and another who's still figuring out how to combat it as an adult as well. Ask any of them and they'll tell you how annoying it can be because you assume everyone's looking at your acne, not you. You know some people are silently judging you because of it too. I see the constant eye flicks that break from the staring contest I thought I was holding, but apparently it's the acne who they're going up against.
The kicker is that most people in the world who have never had more than a small break out in their life, assume that with acne on my level, just using proactive or neutragena or just drinking a lot of water can just help it go away. They don't realize the oral and topical medications or procedures that people with acne problems have to go through to figure out how to get rid of it. Hell, I even take birth control to help keep my hormones in some kind of check just because of my acne. When I tell people I have birth control solely for acne they get so confused and it makes me laugh because people don't realize other uses it has, or the potential side effects. They help with irregular periods and even cramps too because as women, our hormones try to kill us from the first time we get our period, until menopause.
(Side note: Why do we have to pay for our feminine products? It's not like we asked for it. "You know what? I think I would like a week, every month, for most of my life to be spent bleeding, in pain, and emotional. That sounds swell!" It should be free but the lovely world we live in is all about making money on what you know people need. Why not screw them over in the process. They need it right? If they start to sell air we're all royally screwed.)
I'm working towards being more okay with how I look but it's a process. Who knows that once I do finally beat this for the most part, if I still don't feel like I'm not that good looking. I don't even really want to date anyone because of my acne and it's a weird thing to not want to date people over because I don't want them to not like me because of it. It's happened before, and it'll happen again so I have this messed up mindset that's it's a fair chance it'll kee happening. The smart side of me knows that anyone that judges me for things like this aren't worth my time. Even more messed up is when I remember that my first and only boyfriend had bad acne and I didn't care. I liked him and never saw it as an issue so maybe, if I could use that logic that people like other people for who they are and not so much for what they look like, I could be fine. But I'm not. It's so weird.
My friends don't talk about it with me much and I don't mind if they did but I do find it interesting when they freak out over small blemishes or breakouts that last them a few days because to me, obviously, that's nothing to freak out over. You look fine. Like how in movies/TV when someone gets one zit, their whole day is ruined. They can't go to that dance or on that date and I wish I had those basic life problems. Instead, I get the stuff you don't see on TV. Literally you don't. They change it in post or use it as a comedic element.
Why not though? Can we not only stop getting airbrushed pictures but also, show us some models with acne and their scars. If it grosses you out, then that's unfortunate for you. I have it and I feel grossed out by myself, as if it's something I can completely control, and that's unfortunate for me. But there are people with bad acne that I've met and I think they're attractive unlike how I see myself with acne. I don't think I look good but others look like they could still get cast in something if they wanted to. Personal image issues are a thing. I'll improve with how I see myself over time if I stay positive though. I'm afraid this post wasn't very positive..
This brings me to my want to kind of be brave enough to do instagram posts without make up and to let the pictures and it's content speak for itself, despite being so caught up in needing make up to complete the picture. It's a thought. I'll execute it low-key. One day. Maybe...
